Perspective

Last night, I dreamed we kissed

Not a regular kiss but the kind that makes your heart stop and air from escaping your lips. We kissed like we meant to do it on purpose but it came as a surprise.

In the dream, I wanted to leave because for some reason I was scared of you, afraid, but u were relentless.

Like kissing me was something you couldn’t help, you apologized with your eyes and proceeded to move in again, I turned my face but that didn’t stop you because your lips found my jaw line, I quivered, physically.  I woke up heart racing.

I found myself pounding the pillow with my fist because once again I hated thinking of you in this way but at the same time waiting for the day to end. I mean, really, counting the seconds, minutes and hours before I became tired and dreamed of kissing you again.

But when the night came and turned into the morning sun, I didn’t dream of you the way I wanted to, not even a second did you cross my dreamers eye. Maybe I was forcing it this time. because the night before it came to me as a surprise. Like, right when I thought that I was over you and really becoming a friend, the feelings creep in again, like a bad habit I’ve been trying unremittingly to quit.

Then “cliche-ishly,” my heart is competing with my mind but this time, I felt like my heart cheated, seeping into my mind while it’s in a subconscious state, whispering to me about how badly it yearns to kiss you. Almost betraying my fight to quit you, it gave me the actual feelings, the actual touch, the actual quivers of how it would feel if I ever got the chance to do what I ‘dreamed’ of, then purposefully waking me in the middle to make me want more.

Throughout all of this, I think about the actual dream and what it actually meant. Then it’s clear, my dream is showing me that,  'my dream,' is for you to want me, in the same relentless way that I want you. 

I swallow my pride, knowing how you feel. Its just a dream and now....

I have perspective.