Untitled(Maybe Later I will title it-Suggestions are Welcomed)

In mid day
the sun is peaked.
Blinding,

Curving through lanes and
my thoughts consume me,
milking every memory.

You were beautiful when you
needed my hands at your
face and lips.

Daydreams are bountiful
when honking horns and
bumpers bump, jerking,
I am somewhere else.

In a beat while reading
Neruda,
smelling hot cocoa
and apple pie with
vanilla milk shakes and dog
hair on my sweatshirt.

Switching lanes and going
60 in a 30,
Thinking of first
kisses and feeling like I found
a part of me,
taking it with you along
with your midnight whispers
of dreams you woke from and reliving them again with me.

Traffic playing red light, green light and I'm
losing,
running reds,
skipping stops signs.
Wreckless.

I shared you for a brief
moment, and like the sun
with your blinding rays, you
set.

Leaving me in darkness,
trying to remember
Neruda poems while
driving.

Sunrise

The sun rises,

spewing colors of sulfur and happiness.

Making sad nights end,

bringing in refreshing dew,

cradling dusk,

leaving moist kisses to the moon in auvoir like lillies in fall.

You, shifting into the day,

rising.

With butterflies on my eyelids and honey suckle scented sheets spread cross mahogny and ebony coated limbs tangled, 

like drunken lovers high off first kisses and child like laughter.

Come into me,

share the warmth nestled between hearts,

whispered sounds dancing on our toungues,

you, rising,

drapes open and your heat turns my skin gold.

Wrapped in morning, I stir,

happiness crosses my lips like secrets only God can keep.

PURGE: Poet's Cut

These are potential poems, random thoughts or poems that I don't have the words to to finish. Let me know what you think or feel.


1.
"If success is
what you make it,
Imma need directions.
A journey,
Imma need a road map


Cuz I'm lost in here, too many wrong turns
my vision is unclear and I'm sitting here looking in the rear
checkin to see if my sanity is sitting back there next to my confidence...
both silently looking at me confused,
wondering how long this ride is and why this ride hasn't turned into a destination,
fuck it! cuz now we all I'm impatient.
I'm exhausted from wasted time,
foot on pedal....roll down all the windows and close my eyes.


(This poem was written in a time and place I have no interest of remembering but its weird because I realize now that it seems so suicidal. Although, I don't believe it was meant to be, It just expresses by frustrations and eagerness to just be done with stresses and the need to feel free.)


2.
"Your name in my phone is saved:
First Name: Disappearing
Last Name: Acts
Nickname: "The Magician"


(This is true. Its a reminder of every time he calls...I'm reminded that soon he'll be gone. I don't know, some things you choose to put up with. Well...until you get tired.)


3.
You knew I would only exit in case of emergency
Falsely, you pulled the alarm.
I didn't feel the heat.
Clearly.
You did.


(This is short and to the point. But this can be placed in any situation where you are unwilling to let go and alternative forces make you. You don't have a choice, sometimes it boils down to you or me and if your sane...you will always choose self.)


4.
Things are so different now
I wish I could take back some of the irresponsible things I did
but I can't.
I'm stuck waddling in the consequences
and it seems as if i still haven't learned anything yet.


(This piece is titled, "Failed Apology" I'm just gonna trust that you get it.)


5.
I hate thinking and missing you especially when neither of the two is something you do in reference to me


(This is probably my favorite line, not because of the meaning, although it definitely encapsulate a lot of what I feel, its my favorite because of its symmetry and ability to mean so much with so little words. You can say this to someone and they understand exactly what you feel without speaking another word. I just admire the simplicity of it and the amazing ways in which words can be placed together to mean more that what you initially expected.)


Thank you. Please comment on my comments or share your thoughts/feelings about my Purge: Poet's Cut.


DK

Insides

I want to snatch these knots that have dug a grave in my stomach out and hand them to you
so you can see what they've done to my insides

I want to drain my body of water
so that tears are no longer a possibility

I want to have my brain worked on
in that sunshine of the spotless mind kind of way

I want to have my heart mechanically timed
so that it could never race again-just. stay. on. one. beat

I want to remove my eardrums and become deaf
so that the sounds of songs won't remind me of you

I want to lose my sense to smell
so some one's scent won't linger like yours.

I want to develop some impossible to pronounce and rare disease
one that will make me unable to feel emotion.

I want for all my limbs to fall asleep in that prickly kind of way and remain in R.E.M
so that a touch can't be felt or remembered.

I want to remove the place where my soul resides and fill it with sand
so that it can't feel empty without a mate.

I want for the want of wanting you to disappear completely cuz clearly its messing with my insides.

Future Conversations w/my BFF

DR:  Where are you in the world?

DK:  In a place of poetry.

DR:  How long will you stay there?

DK:  For as long as I can be.

DR:  How did you get there?

DK:  By riding on your poems, like the one you wrote about music and notes…remember that one?

DR:  I remember. Will you miss me?

DK:  For longer than words can describe. And u? Where r u?

DR:  Vacationing in a soliloquy.

DK:  Oh really? How’s that?

DR:  Like a couplet or a haiku, short but means a lot.

DK:  Sounds as satisfying as poem after writers block.

DR: (laughs) Not that good.

DK: (laughs)…nothing is.

DR: I will see you soon.

DK: Loving you through poetry?

DR: Always.

DK:  Always.

DR/DK: Obama.

Engaged

The day we met
I could feel the earth shake beneath me
literally
move me
moving me into believing that what i was feeling was make believe
as if i'd been dropped into fairytale.
bc usually
this isn't what i'm use to,
i'm use to the reality of falling for someone
who cant spell reciprocity,
let alone grant it to me.
caring for some1 that couldn't comprehend loyalty.
placing my heart on a limb
only to find that they couldn't do vulnerability
emotionally incarcerated
i was jailed in but like a fairytale you came and
rescued me.
showed me what it was like to be loved unconditionally.
taught of living in my beliefs and not just in speaks-
spoke to me passionately-
openly showing me that you were open to me
not afraid of loving me openly
opposing all negativity-u are opium to me.
so high,
how could i ever refuse you?
that would be insanity....
and i'm not feeling any screws loose.
so when you ask me to trust,
i will deliberately.
when you need me in times that are wary, i'll already be sitting next to you.
when you tell me your darkest secrets, i will become mute.
when you cry tears, i will cry them with you.
when the world is crashing towards you like a mack ten truck, i will shield you.
and when you forget of love, i will be here to remind you my love
and this is all, only in my engagement to you
wait until i marry you
and all the promises that will ensue

Written specifically for the engagement of Missy Lane and Chris T.

Perspective

Last night, I dreamed we kissed

Not a regular kiss but the kind that makes your heart stop and air from escaping your lips. We kissed like we meant to do it on purpose but it came as a surprise.

In the dream, I wanted to leave because for some reason I was scared of you, afraid, but u were relentless.

Like kissing me was something you couldn’t help, you apologized with your eyes and proceeded to move in again, I turned my face but that didn’t stop you because your lips found my jaw line, I quivered, physically.  I woke up heart racing.

I found myself pounding the pillow with my fist because once again I hated thinking of you in this way but at the same time waiting for the day to end. I mean, really, counting the seconds, minutes and hours before I became tired and dreamed of kissing you again.

But when the night came and turned into the morning sun, I didn’t dream of you the way I wanted to, not even a second did you cross my dreamers eye. Maybe I was forcing it this time. because the night before it came to me as a surprise. Like, right when I thought that I was over you and really becoming a friend, the feelings creep in again, like a bad habit I’ve been trying unremittingly to quit.

Then “cliche-ishly,” my heart is competing with my mind but this time, I felt like my heart cheated, seeping into my mind while it’s in a subconscious state, whispering to me about how badly it yearns to kiss you. Almost betraying my fight to quit you, it gave me the actual feelings, the actual touch, the actual quivers of how it would feel if I ever got the chance to do what I ‘dreamed’ of, then purposefully waking me in the middle to make me want more.

Throughout all of this, I think about the actual dream and what it actually meant. Then it’s clear, my dream is showing me that,  'my dream,' is for you to want me, in the same relentless way that I want you. 

I swallow my pride, knowing how you feel. Its just a dream and now....

I have perspective.  

Shallow Waters

I'm in love with you
Words spoken boldly and beautifully to you
never under my breath for fear that you won't hear me
so, I say it again.
I love you
your face alters in that instant and turns into something different
I can see it. Fear.
cuz when I get this deep,
you swim towards shallow water
because you don't trust that I won't let you drown here
But me...I'm here in the deep in
hoping that hope will float here
coping cuz can't no rope reel me in
choking off tears chased by saltier water,
drowning cuz your hand wasn't there
quickly sinking as if I'm chains locked to a stone
Should have been smarter...
I didn't know that I would be swimming alone.

P.S. Just say I love you too and give me air.

Wanting

I wanted to write you a poem,
The words got in the way.
I wanted to take you home,
I didn't know the way.
I wanted to live with you,
didn't think you'd stay.
I wanted to love you,
but forgot how to fall.
I wanted to keep you,
u left.
....time wasted in regret.

Understatement

Missing you
Has become a full time occupation
with no leave or vacation
I get no sick days or holidays with pay.
I make a living of living in the thoughts of your absence
And I'm lacking
Sleep and concentration
unable to focus on fruitful moments that don't include you
so accustom to you occupying moments in my mind
that there are no longer vacant spaces
but emptiness lingers in different hiding places, like..
your fingertips, that use to speak whispers across my skin
but now just images of hands that mirror my own exist
like lips that remained locked up, kidnapped within mine
but somehow escaped my captivity, leaving it hollow.
but what is a cell without its mate?
like the hypnotic song that fills your eyes
melting me into a melody,
but what of it no lyrics?
like..the cosmic molecular kinetic energy
that has no electricity
I have no power
like stars burning in a sky with no darkness I cant shine
like trees with no roots, I cant grow
like books with no pages, I cant be read
like pens with no ink, I don't write
like letters that don't make words, I'm senseless
rhyme without reason
seasons that don't change
wounds with no pain, I don't feel,
like me without you is surreal,
so to say that I miss you...
is an understatement
with undertones that don't fit, with a meaning that don't exist in this instance
because I miss you, are words, and what bleeds from me are feelings that can't be heard.
Its absurd because as a poet, I'm the cure for a writers block
describing feelings unwritten is my prophecy
but no one could foresee this level of dependency
on three words...that lacked depth...to mean more
so for lack of better words
I miss you.

Dear God

Dear God,
I'm angry.
pain seeps in like a lost anomaly
trapped in a position
catatonic stage of misguided transition
and mad because,
I really feel like you ain't been listening.
I mean,
I've tried all kinds of ways to get you to help me,
I've cried to you in times of solitude,
silently waiting for some serenity that was never granted
granted maybe i needed to speak words to you
Thats what Nana said do.
I did it.
cried out to you for advice on how to fight this depression
stuck in a job that will never allow me to reach my full potential
family is no longer essential
because they got their own issues
I need you, where are you?
but I'm smart enough to not pray for the superficial
so i ask for strength and guidance
but these tears prove my weakness and
i even ask for patience
but all this waiting,
got my mind thinking, i got better things to do
faithless, felt like my faith was of no use to you
i got no proof
people keep saying in due time
well why? why instill in me the constant need to succeed
if all i can do is
go about my day, pray, make moves i think to do and wait on you?

Dear God
I'm afraid.
for feeling this way
because I'm not an ungrateful child
so I know what I owe to you
but like i said I'm angry
and you said to always be honest with you
so that's what I'll do
Here's my truth,
i feel like I've been submitting my will over and over again
and you just took it, glanced through it as if
it were irrelevant
and now I'm wondering
what I can do to cure this lack of loyalty
cuz praying ain't giving me no sense of peace

Dear God,
do you hear me?

Memo

Say what you need to say. Ppl spend time like it was a refund check, next thing you know its gone...

Regret waits patiently for cowards.

Reservations

I made reservations
certain accommodations to make u feel comfy.
Put u above me.
Ur needs were my plump seeds...
sowed u till u grew
Kept u till u knew
tht it was no1 else for me.
Fluffed ur ego,
turned down your bed sheets,
washed ur conceit into self esteem.
And gave u chocolate covered confidence on ur pillows.
Very minty
and yet and still
u still refused to love me.
But had noreservations on making my home urs,
stored ur shit everywhere
Emotionlessness was the gunk on the counter nxt to the toothpaste,
fear of failure collected as dust on the book case,
fear of success smelled of old laundry on the floors,
then the lack of daddy issues ensued and left a dark ring around the tub,
making my home filthy and I was junky
Stressed with the responsiblity of cleanin all this shit up
Piles and piles of dependency
Spilling over like a waterfall but not the beautiful kind
the ugly dangerous tht kills u and is only beautiful when u look at it in a certain way
with bleached stained pupils,
I know you...yea I knew u,
images of majestic magicians and tall faitytales of men who said how they felt while riding horseback or
kisses that gave life or
love tht was always happy in the end,
I knew you like a fool knew his trickster.
I was her, tht fool.
That let u see wht it was like to be loved unconditionally
so vulnerably
w/o reserve
w/no reverence required just reciprocity,
just needed u to love me the way tht I loved u.

My mistake to assume.

Fresh Out

I've hit a drought
fresh outta fucks
can't give none and I'm done
done caring, done sharing, done listening, done fixing, done kissing
done hugging, done loving, done stunting, done taking, done giving
done feeling...hand me the cement blocks and concrete
I'm building this wall and it won't take long because among
the soft and warm hearted
I've departed
to a place so cold and remote
look at the icicles that've made a home on my shoulder
can't get no colder
than this
dismissed all
notions for emotions, I am hopeless,
but not a romantic and granted
thats what you've expected from me but things change
and I can't be the same and be dumb enough to let
another one hurt me
no wounds or scars to show for it
no blood or bruise just excuses
and I won't confuse this
with what the truth is and
the reality is
I'm this way because you didn't care when I did.

Introductions

I have never been great at explanations and I don't think I ever will be. However, I am always willing to try...this is just a blog full of poetry and short stories. I hope you enjoy the ride.